On Thanksgiving, the official start to the holiday season (which, in my mind, ends around the 4th of July) I get the impression these crazy people want me to cook for them.
I can't cook until the house is bleached down clean, and I don't feel like cleaning because, well, I'm the Mom and I say so.
Anyway, I have something more important to do – I have to warn you about the 7 guests that will be visiting you this long Thanksgiving Weekend.
Shopping. She might've hit your house three weeks ago, when someone went through recipes and "planned."
Maybe it will hit at noon when you race to that only place which is open to find that one thing you didn't get. For some people (the crazy ones we read about, the list-making planning people) She is a regular invited guest during the cold predawn hours.
To be brutally honest, I was hoping Shopping wouldn't stop by this year, and when she called me at 8pm the night before Thanksgiving my stomach hurt as I drove to Publix expecting it to be a loud bright crowded holiday nightmare.
It was quiet and empty. In less than 20 minutes, I got everything I needed for under $100 and was out the door. I enjoyed my time with Shopping and I hope she comes back to visit soon.
Cleaning. It's inevitable she's coming by, so you might as well prepare. She can sometimes be a bitch and try to keep you distracted all day (all week!) so watch out.
Before she arrives, set a timer for 30 minutes and get ready to work. Spray her favorite perfume around (Clorox Cleanup), clean off a few counters and toss some laundry in the wash. Or at least kick it completely under the sofa.
Take clutter off the refrigerator, sweep the Legos into the shoebox science project and put it all in the closet where you keep your board games (the ones with the missing pieces).
To make sure Cleaning doesn't stay all day and drive you crazy, I suggest you turn on some music and introduce her to your family and friends if at all possible. With all that attention, Cleaning gets all shy and slips away. (Then the fun begins).
Regret. He is going to show up, so be ready.
Maybe he will give you a surprise and unwelcome bear hug after you ate that last piece of pie standing up in the kitchen with your back to the chaos.
Maybe he will bring up the grief you hoped wouldn't visit today, reminding you of loved ones you can't see.
Perhaps he will just punch you in the arm and say "you deserve something so much better."
Hopefully he will not bring his favorite date, Punishment, because when they arrive together their idea of a good time is ruining the holiday for the rest of the guests.
You have two options when Regret inevitably arrives. 1) Spray Clorox Cleanup right into his (inviOn Thanksgiving, the official start to the holiday season (which, in my mind, ends around the 4th of July) I get the impression these crazy people want me to cook for them.
I can't cook until the house is bleached down clean, and I don't feel like cleaning because, well, I'm the Mom and I say so. And really, I can't clean this house (why should I?) until I write this story and tell you Happy Thanksgiving.
7 Holiday Guests that Will Visit Everyone Thanksgiving Long Weekend.
Shopping. This might've hit your house three weeks ago, when someone went through recipes and "planned."
Maybe it will hit at noon when you race to that only place which is open to find that one thing you didn't get.
For some people (the crazy ones we read about, the list-making planning people) it hits extra hard in the predawn hours.
To be brutally honest, I was hoping Shopping wouldn't stop by this year, and when she called me at 8pm the night before Thanksgiving my stomach hurt as I drove to Publix expecting it to be a loud bright crowded holiday nightmare.
It was quiet and empty. In less than 20 minutes, I got everything I needed for under $100 and was out the door.
I enjoyed my time with Shopping and I hope she comes back to visit soon.
Cleaning. It's inevitable she's coming by, so you might as well prepare. She can sometimes be a bitch and try to keep you distracted all day, so watch out.
Before she arrives, set a timer for 30 minutes and get ready to work. Spray her favorite perfume around (Clorox Cleanup), clean off a few counters and toss some laundry in the wash. Or at least kick it completely under the sofa. Take clutter off the refrigerator, sweep the Legos into the shoebox science project and put it all in the closet where you keep your board games (the ones with the missing pieces).
To make sure Cleaning doesn't stay all day and drive you crazy, I suggest you turn on some music and introduce her to your family and friends if at all possible. With all that attention, Cleaning gets all shy and slips away. (Then the fun begins).
Regret. He is going to show up, so be ready.
Maybe he will give you a surprise and unwelcome bear hug after you ate that last piece of pie standing up in the kitchen with your back to the chaos.
Maybe he will bring up the grief you hoped wouldn't visit today, reminding you of loved ones you can't see.
Perhaps he will just punch you in the arm and say "you deserve something so much better."
Hopefully he will not bring his favorite date, Punishment, because when they arrive together their idea of a good time is ruining the holiday for the rest of the guests.
Regret is a greedy and selfish guest who pleasures in taking you out of the moment. Unless this sounds like your idea of Holiday Fun, you have two options when Regret inevitably arrives. 1) Spray Clorox Cleanup right into his (invisible) eyes and chant three times "be gone!" or -- and this is the one I'd suggest 2) take a nice deep breath of the air that you actually live in. As you exhale yourself back into reality, Regret should start taking a hint.
Dancing and/or Football: While there is a .001% chance Dancing will bring her friend Romance and visit you under the moonlight, I promise Dancing (and/or Football) will visit you this holiday weekend.
Hopefully no one gets hurt.
Celebration. The Guest of Honor, Celebration rare arrives on cue.
She might come early, at the airport, in a tearful hug.
She could hug you when that awesome dress zips up.
She might show up late, when “they” packup and finally leave.
On a rare lucky occasion, she will show up at the meal intended for her.
If you recognize her and call her by name when you see her, Celebration will make herself a constant companion.
Generosity. Generosity is a shape-shifting guest who likes to disguise himself in gestures of patience and hospitality.
Make sure to leave extra room for him because Generosity’s constant companion is Gratitude.
Silence. The guest few people expect visits everyone, every year, and many of them dread it.
Sometimes she visits everyone at once, covering the table with an awkward stillness.
She may swing by when they all leave and you feel alone. (Please don’t take the wine if she offers).
She might be sitting on your chest when you wake up, alone.
When she comes to visit this year, please don’t be a rude host and shoo Silence away, because she’s just trying to introduce you to her best friend, Peace.
Happy Thanksgiving*
(I better start cooking now)
